lived you every day

I Have Lived You Every Day

There’s hasn’t been a day in these 12 months that I haven’t thought of you. There hasn’t been a night when I haven’t cried thinking what we could have been. Every time, I’ve missed you, I’ve looked up in the sky to tell myself that you are under the same sky as me. I don’t know your whereabouts and probably never will but I know one place where I’ve kept you for so long. You’ve been in my heart since the day you left. You’ve been with me all this while. You’ve been with me in the songs we heard together. You’ve been with me in the ice-cream we ate last. I have lived you every day. 

woman looking outside the window

I’ve written over a thousand letters to you but haven’t sent you any. I want to tell you how difficult it is to keep this love that I have for you to myself but I stop because you never loved me. You were only ‘fond’ of me. Like how you are fond of cats. But your fondness doesn’t stop me from carrying all this love I have for you in my heart. I carry it with me every day, I live you every day.

As I get dressed to leave for work in the morning, I play the song that describes you in the lyrics. I remember how you teased me for having a good life and not having to work as hard as you do. I would ask you to bunk the day and meet me but you’d politely refuse telling me how ’Zameer’(conscious) wouldn’t allow. (Making Zameer sound like a real person).

When I’d be back home from work, my mother would ask me which fruit I’d want to eat. And the only fruit I’d ask her to get me is a Watermelon because you loved it. I eat it slowly remembering all the pictures of Watermelons you had sent me telling me how it is the best thing in the world and your absolute favourite.

I’ve imagined you driving every blue car that overtakes mine on the road. I’ve tried to spot you amongst the gang of bikers I see on Sunday mornings. I’ve hoped to bump in to you in the restaurant we both used to frequent but none of this happened. I continue living you, every minute and every day. And today as I cut your birthday cake, I hope that you are living your dream and that you are happy wherever you are.

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